Donewaiting Friendship Farm
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Official ComFest Libel Thread
http://donewaiting.com/board/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=30533
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Author:  groundrules [ Fri May 21, 2010 9:21 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

kcs. wrote:
I think this thread needs some Comfest love.


everyone knows it's illegal to love comfest on the internet until right AFTER it happens.

Author:  abstraction [ Fri May 21, 2010 12:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

kcs. wrote:
I think this thread needs some Comfest love.

This whole thread is supposed to be ComFest love, in that I meant to devote it to satirizing ComFest hate in various ways. It's sort of evolved into including exaggerated misperceptions shaped as a (probably) fictional ComFest corporation, but the underlying goal is still to encourage the whiners to stfu and/or gtfo.

Author:  jill ebenezer [ Fri May 21, 2010 5:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

I just got back from the future and Comfest is making these killer robot cops. The strange thing is they have Marvin the Robot's laugh after killing a perp.

Author:  BastardSuperstar [ Fri May 21, 2010 5:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

i want it to be EXACTLY like ed-209, except with miles' laugh after the countdown . . .
(and the ability to walk up and down steps)

Author:  bug [ Tue May 25, 2010 10:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

If it can walk up and down steps what will be it's Achilles' heel?

Author:  abstraction [ Tue May 25, 2010 11:13 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

bug wrote:
If it can walk up and down steps what will be it's Achilles' heel?

Drum circles.

Author:  Sullen V. Hement [ Tue May 25, 2010 12:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

abstraction wrote:
bug wrote:
If it can walk up and down steps what will be it's Achilles' heel?

Drum circles.


THAT is funny!

Author:  abstraction [ Tue May 25, 2010 3:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

Sullen V. Hement wrote:
abstraction wrote:
bug wrote:
If it can walk up and down steps what will be it's Achilles' heel?

Drum circles.


THAT is funny!

Figures. :( After 4 pages, you chose to like the one true scientific fact.* Something about the geometric arrangement, sonic waves, and utter wackiness of the event pushes the A.I. into a loop** which causes the unit to stand there scratching its head in confusion until the drums stop.



* :lie:
**More commonly known in the robotics industry as a WTF Errror.

Author:  abstraction [ Wed Jun 02, 2010 1:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

  • For particularly impatient festivalgoers who can't wait for the official schedule announcements, subscriptions to ComFest™ Digest are now available. New editions, which include the most current version of the program booklet, are updated, printed, and released every hour on the hour. The electronic version (for the tree-huggers, nerds, and spoilsports that don't want to be tracked down every hour by the delivery specialists) comes with a special browser plug-in that accesses the subdermal GPS tags that were implanted in all of the performers. You will be able to monitor the whereabouts, physical health, and emotional statuses of every performing artist.

Author:  justin [ Wed Jun 02, 2010 3:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

all comfest shirts will be made out of chain mail. not the cool medieval kind, but rather the samizdat/mon cher mustapha/make money fast varietals.

Author:  abstraction [ Wed Jun 02, 2010 4:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

justin wrote:
all comfest shirts will be made out of chain mail. not the cool medieval kind, but rather the samizdat/mon cher mustapha/make money fast varietals.


abstraction (thinking out loud) wrote:
I totally had to look up every other word in that last sentence. :oops: :oops:

It may be too late for me to stop people from figuring out that I get "fresh" material by making references to other threads. He poached Shirty, and that guy was going to be a goldmine, for effsakes. Pretty soon anyone will be able to do this. I'll have to step up the production speed and find a way to turn the table.

Author:  abstraction [ Sun Jun 06, 2010 1:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

  • While it's already been established that the shirts in the volunteer fashion line for this upcoming ComFest™ season will be constructed from protective chain mail, there have been significant developments with regard to the color scheme. Each volunteer department has been assigned a color that will be subdivided into no fewer than two shades, according to the volunteers' specific functions within their departments.
    For example, in ComFirst Aid:
    -Eggshell white: Scrapes, lacerations, assorted physical wounds, etc.
    -Off-white: Poisons, overdoses, shots of adrenaline, etc.
    -Bone white: Mental health
    In ComFecurity:
    -Cobalt Blue: Violent offenders, physical escorts, etc.
    -Egyptian Blue: Bomb squad
    -Navy Blue: Waterfront patrol
    -Dark Blue: Undercover vice
    The chart will be listed in the ComFest™ programs in black & white, and it's every festivalgoer's responsibility to approach the appropriate volunteer to address their needs.

Author:  jill ebenezer [ Sun Jun 06, 2010 4:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

Please don't tell me they changed the traditional tan chainmail Comfest Ghostbusters colors!?

Author:  abstraction [ Sun Jun 06, 2010 6:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

jill ebenezer wrote:
Please don't tell me they changed the traditional tan chainmail Comfest Ghostbusters colors!?

No change there as far as the basic color, but the busters will be subdivided as well. As such, it is strongly recommended that you bring a copy of Tobin's Spirit Guide for proper classification.

Author:  thisoneholymedium [ Sun Jun 06, 2010 7:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

my band the busters are playing at 10:00 a.m. on the main stage all three days

Author:  abstraction [ Mon Jun 07, 2010 2:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

thisoneholymedium wrote:
my band the busters are playing at 10:00 a.m. on the main stage all three days

Volunteering pays off. That's the way to work the system.

Author:  TedFromRustmoth [ Wed Jun 09, 2010 10:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

abstraction wrote:
thisoneholymedium wrote:
my band the busters are playing at 10:00 a.m. on the main stage all three days

Volunteering pays off. That's the way to work the system.


I volunteer to be part of the special "BroTank" crew. By walking around calling out the mating call "OH AITCH", we will wait to hear the return call. Then... then we tie 'em up, take their baseball caps, and paint their faces like Shaggy 2 Dope.

Fratboys, how do they work? It's a fuckin' MIRACLE.

Author:  abstraction [ Thu Jun 10, 2010 10:20 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

TedFromRustmoth wrote:
abstraction wrote:
thisoneholymedium wrote:
my band the busters are playing at 10:00 a.m. on the main stage all three days

Volunteering pays off. That's the way to work the system.


I volunteer to be part of the special "BroTank" crew. By walking around calling out the mating call "OH AITCH", we will wait to hear the return call. Then... then we tie 'em up, take their baseball caps, and paint their faces like Shaggy 2 Dope.

Fratboys, how do they work? It's a fuckin' MIRACLE.

I had to read this one a few times to get it, but this is certainly an idea worth exploring. I'm surprised no one had thought of...whoa....something just came to me. Gonna be a little slow to squeeze it out of my beer-soaked brain today, but the wheels are in motion.

Author:  abstraction [ Fri Jun 11, 2010 12:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

  • Prior to their admission to Goodale Park, all potential festivalgoers will be given the new ComFest™ Entrance Exam; it's a polygraph test designed to weed out the troublemakers, and it consists of 2 sections, both of which must be passed to allow entry. The transcript is presented here as a DW exclusive.

ComFest™ Entrance Exam wrote:
Section 1
You must truthfully answer YES to TWO or more of the following questions:
  1. Are you a hippie?
  2. Are you an artist, musician, performer, or vendor?
  3. Have you come to support an artist, musician, performer, or vendor?
  4. Do you know where we left the keys to the First Aid locker?
  5. Do you know how to use a trash can?
  6. Can you disable a renegade Port-a-John?

Section 2
You must truthfully answer NO to ALL of the following questions:
  1. Do you believe that burning a couch is an appropriate activity at a football party?
  2. Do you believe that a football game is an appropriate reason to have a party?
  3. Do you intend to stab anyone this weekend?
  4. Are you now or have you ever been Mark Fisher?
  5. What does "no" mean?

Author:  BastardSuperstar [ Fri Jun 11, 2010 7:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

TedFromRustmoth wrote:
Fratboys, how do they work? It's a fuckin' MIRACLE.


less than a dozen posts in and ted already earned his stripes . . .

Author:  abstraction [ Tue Jun 22, 2010 11:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

  • Stop by the welCome tent to pick up your free motion detector*, which will have been specially attuned to sense the heartbeats of narcotics officers in your vicinity.
    Image
    Puffy the ComFest™ mascot wrote:
    Remember, kids. Always check the trees. Look up before you toke up!


*There has also been talk of a secret weapon that will be unveiled shortly before the festival; it could ensure the liberties of our pot-smoking heroes for years to come. But that's just a rumor.

Author:  abstraction [ Wed Jun 23, 2010 3:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

You should've known this was coming:

  • There is growing concern among the ComFestivalgoers that an increased police presence means that people will actually be expected to obey the law this year! The ComMittee™ would never stand for such indignities to be suffered by the guests of Goodale Park and will continue to make it their #1 priority to protect everyone's right to disregard authority. As such, they've gotten together with the Columbus Police Department to create RADAR (Recognize & Assess, Detain, Arrest, or Release), a guide for on-duty officers to follow this weekend. Take a peek at how you can stay under the RADAR!
Excerpt from RADAR guidelines wrote:
The honored guests of Goodale Park shall only be apprehended if they're engaging in 4 or more of the following activities, simultaneously:
  • Blatantly using a controlled substance (making absolutely no attempt at concealment)
  • Exposing more than 98.7% of their body
  • Aiming a weapon directly at another individual for more than 5 seconds at a time
  • Nursing in public, under any circumstances
  • Requesting "some Skynyrd"
  • Throwing up gang signs
  • Making physical contact with a performer onstage, during a song
  • Inciting the PPJ's to riot

Author:  jill ebenezer [ Wed Jun 23, 2010 4:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

Motherfucking RADAR is paying me like $4 trillion spacebucks to carry my MMFMFSSB (my mother-fucking morphine filled super soaker, bitch) to apprehend assholes, bogarters, rapists, crummy naked jerks, bad tippers, bad dressers and double parkers. You wanna act a jerk? Not on my watch. I will spray without hesitation and you will be high and fail your drug test at fucking Quiznos. Eat shit. Obey or suffer in ecstasy.

Author:  slowmoriot [ Wed Jun 23, 2010 4:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

Jill, you are on fire today. Good thing I work in a basement alone most of the time, because my laughter at your posts today might have gotten me fired or even committed...

Author:  jill ebenezer [ Wed Jun 23, 2010 4:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Official ComFest Libel Thread

Thanks.

Citizens, remember you must have a permit to have your dick painted all weird.

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